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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

 

Predictions 2005

Sorry for the long hiatus. It's just that I've been thinking about what may happen this year and I did want to get this important info out before the year was over. However, by waiting, my "predictions" can now be even more accurate.

January - The Indianapolis Colts streak into the Super Bowl, first shocking the Patriots, then dismantling the surprising Jets. In the pitiful NFC, the injury riddled Eagles are a shell of their former selves enabling the Falcons to make the big game. Somehow, the Iraq elections come off, though there is a dispute about whether provisional ballots in Mosul should be counted. The Yankees sign Sammy Sosa to shore up their depth chart weakness (third string) in right field. Jason Giambi claims that his weight loss is not due to the absence of steriods, but instead is caused by a previously undisclosed bout with anorexia.

February - The Bush administration proposes that young people should be allowed private social security accounts, that would be used to purchase variable annuities at retirement. If the monthly income from the annuity exceeds their promised social security benefit, the government would be "off the hook." Since in many cases, no benefit would be paid at all by the government, the administration claims its plan has achieved "actuarial viability." In baseball, pitchers and catchers report. The Mets are forced to restore Mike Piazza to their #1 catcher spot since as Casey used to say, "If you don't have a catcher, there will be a lot of passed balls." This is not a problem when Glavine is pitching since the hitters can be relied upon to stop pretty much everything with their bats.

March - The basketball season drones on, although only boxing fans seem to care. The NY legislature, in response to reform outcries, decides not to even try to produce a budget this year, hoping that then no one will care that it would have been late again. Gary Hart announces his candidacy for the 2008 Democratic nomination, closely followed by Dennis Kucenich (or whatever his name is).

April - NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman anounces that he has reached agreement on a new three year contract with the players union, whereby the players will take over ownership of the teams, and the owners will be paid a salary to run them. Bettman announces a twelve game regular season, followed by the usual two month playoff schedule. Tiger finds his game and romps to a 6 shot Masters win.

May - The Bush administration announces its new tax proposal, eliminating all deductions and lowering the tax rate to zero. "This will save the most amount of paperwork of all the plans we considered," says the President proudly. Treasury Secretary Snow announces that no one will actually have to file under the new plan. When asked how the government will obtain revenues, he responds "we will have to learn to steal. We have asked President Putin to come from Russia to show us how it's done."

June - The veteran Red Wings, fresh from the shortened regular season, win the Stanley Cup. San Antonio beats Shaq's Heat in the NBA Finals. The Mets and Yankees are cruising in first place. Barry Bonds walks for the 100th time in 230 plate appearances. He is batting .420 with 17 homers and a slugging percentage of 1.370. "It's not that hard when they never call a strike on him," sniffs the Mets' Pedro Martinez. Lee Janzen rises again from obscurity to win his 3rd US Open.

July - New York comes in fourth in the Olympic selection sweepstakes for 2012, won by Paris. The US considers a boycott. "Can't stand them Frogs," says the head of the US Olympic Committee. Beltran hits #30 for the Mets, still cruising in their division. Ernie Els wins the British open, edging hard luck Monty by 1.

August - Curtis Strange is banned from the Champions Tour for being too boring. Bonds draws his 150th walk. Kevin Stadler wins the PGA playing with his shirt half out of his pants. Congress amends the Bush tax proposal. Instead of no one filing, now everyone will have to file under the alternative minimum tax. As for Social Security, House Minority Leader Pelosi calls the Bush proposal dead on arrival, saying she strongly prefers insolvency to any benefit cuts. The Atlanta Braves have won 20 straight and trail the Mets by two.

September - The players, who are now the NHL owners, have toted up their 2005 losses and voted to disband the league. The Braves overhaul the Mets to win the NL East by six. Giambi retires after making only 30 plate appearances, going hitless for the Yanks, who nevertheless win their division by 14. The US is routed in the President's Cup. Hillary Clinton says she may be a 2008 candidate for President, but she is so excited she may seek the nomination of BOTH parties.

October - In a replay of the 1948 World Series, the Indians beat the Braves in 6 games. The Israeli's and Palestinians both agree that they cannot make any sense of the Bush roadmap, but they make peace anyway. In frustration, Democrat Senate minority leader Reid asks if everything Bush touches has to turn to gold, no matter how poorly conceived. There is no comment from the administration. "We're all going on vacation until after the New Year," says the Bush press secretary.

November - The stock market is down 5% for the year. Not to worry, says Treasury Secretary Snow. "The Federal Government has no money or investments anyway." Jerry Seinfield announces that he will star in and produce a new comedy for NBC beginning in February. "This time, we'll try to do a show about something, though George and I haven't figured out what yet."

December - Dick Clark returns to Times Square for New Year's Eve. He doen't look a day over 35. The Yankees sign free agent Barry Bonds. "It's a Moneyball thing," says George Steinbrenner. "Did you see his on base percentage last year?" The Giants are 13-3 with Eli Manning achieving stardom. The Jets also make the playoffs. The Tuna retires as Dallas coach, along with Dick Vermiel, Joe Gibbs, and all the others whom the game has passed by. And another year is history.

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